I Want It.

It started as a suggestive experiment one evening.

I told myself it’s just an experiment, a one-time thing, just to hit and see what it feels like, and then revert to my banal routine. I’d heard stories about people doing it just for the sake of a trial and then getting hooked so bad, that they spent the rest of their lives in regret. I told myself I was not like them. I thought I could fixate my mind to a particular objective and overcome the fervor when I wanted to. I knew I was not like them.

Two of my friends led the way through some lanes of our locality I was unaware of, till we reached a deserted point. He dialed a number and in five minutes there was a amiable guy before us. Being a rookie, I stood behind while they negotiated, and was told to pay less for my cut, still it seemed rather expensive, but I was assured that it was a ‘high quality product.’ They took out the syringes, filled them with it and one by one flushed it down a vein in left arm.

After about ninety seconds, I felt my heartbeat increase. It was definitely kicking in. I began to worry a bit, as I could feel my heart pounding and my pulse increasing. I finally felt as if it had reached a plateau. My heartbeat became level, albeit still very high. Many people say that one feels euphoria – being invincible and/or the desire to start doing something you’ve been wanting to. I did not feel either of these (and I did remember to think about these things). For me, the positive effects came directly from knowing that I had reached a plateau and I was going to be fine. I felt invigorated, yet also very comfortable.

I was rationalizing everything tremendously, but it was SO intense! And it was only getting more intense faster! I didn’t know what to expect, I was sinking within myself, accelerating downward like into the depths of my own oblivion. I was a novice, I had no idea what to expect, and the world had become out of sync. I became amazingly irritable and wanted them to leave me alone or not talk in my presence. They did not understand or appreciate my fear, and they began to get loud again. I ran back to my home and laid down with some wistful hope that I could wait out this storm.

As it turned out, the experiment had me coming back to it the next week, and the week next to that, following through three months. It never got boring, but it did give way to a desire to try more of the similar stuff. So, one evening, I chose to idolize Jessie Pinkman…Read More »