Compulsive Obsession: Love

The first time I saw her…

Everything in my head went quiet.

Every. Single. Thing.

All the ticks.

All the tocks.

All the constantly refreshing images. They all just disappeared.

Because when you have the OCD, you don’t really get such quiet moments.

Even in bed, I’m thinking:

Did I lock the doors? Yes.

Did I wash my hands? Yes.

Did I turn the laptop off? Yes.

Did I lock the doors? Yes.

Did I lock the doors? Yes.

Did I wash my hands? Yes.

But when I saw her, my vision paused.

The only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips.

Or the eyelash on her cheek.

The eyelash on her cheek.

The eyelash on her cheek.

I had never felt so static in my entire life.

I could stare at her for my entire lifetime. The rest of the world vanished.

It felt beautifully unusual and messy. I knew I had to talk to her. So I went up and tried not to strike a cliched conversation.

I asked her out six times in the next thirty seconds.

She said yes after the third one, but none of them felt right, so I had to keep going.

For the next two days, the world seemed stagnated when I thought of her.

Every other thought just froze.

On our first date, I spent more time organizing my meal by color than I did eating it, or fucking talking to her…

But she loved it.

She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times or twenty four times if it was Wednesday.

She loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk.

She loved that I would compliment her ‘new’ dress everytime she wore it.

She loved that I would tell her the same joke five times in an hour just to see that face light up in an instant and my heart miss a beat.

When we moved in together, she said she felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because I definitely locked the door eighteen times.

I’d always watch her mouth when she talked…

When she talked.

When she talked.

When she talked.

When she said she loved me, her mouth would curl up at the edges.

At night, she’d lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off.

And on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off.

She’d close her eyes and imagine that the days and nights were passing in front of her. Some mornings I’d start kissing her goodbye, but she’d just leave. cause I was just making her late for work…

Because I was just making her late for work.

When I stopped in front of a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking.

When she said she loved me her mouth was a straight line.

She said it didn’t even sound funny while telling that joke.

She told me that I was taking up too much of her time.

Last week she started sleeping at her old place.

She told me that she shouldn’t have let me get so attached to her. That this whole thing was a mistake.

But, how can it be a mistake that I don’t have to wash my hands after I touched her?

Love is not a mistake, and it’s killing me that she can run away from this and I just can’t.

I can’t.

I can’t go out and find someone new because I always think of her.

Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin. I see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars.

And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on.

I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel. How she turns shower knobs like she’s opening a safe. How she blows out candles…

Blows out candles.

Blows out candles.

Blows out candles.

Blows out… Now, I just think about who else is kissing her.

I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once.

And he doesn’t care if it’s perfect.

I want her back so bad.

I leave the door unlocked.

I leave the lights on.

– Neil Hilborn

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Compulsive Obsession: Love

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s