I DIED OF FLAWS.

I don’t fantasize about killing myself anymore but the major part of me is still fuming and resentful for everything that’s happened, and sometimes when the rage slips out I am shocked I could ever contain this madness in the first place.

This is how you kill someone: You don’t talk to them, you pretend they don’t exist. You love them, then you leave them. This is how I will kill myself.

They say when you are falling down in life, you meet all the people you walked on while you were climbing up.

Its funny since all the people I thought I could turn to seemed to have disappeared like they never existed.

When I am gone, my bones will be here a little while longer to keep you company.

“The memories of my love you will exist elsewhere, unseen, untouched, unheard, but felt. This love will show you redemption; this love will mend your regrets.”

I am back there again. The same old dark place. I know everything is so transitory

Anything can be a trigger if you’re broken enough. It could be a malicious rumour spread by a jealous friend. It could be a vague comment from my mother spoken in her seasoned tone of bitter disappointment. It could be a well written song that sings too much truth of the past. It could be anything that hits too close to the mark.

If I could kill myself tonight and no one would miss me, I think I would. If only I was a little more selfish, a little more brave, and a little more sure of which method would cause the least pain. It would be a temporary solution to a permanent problem. So even if I’m buried ten feet underground, you’ll still hear my ghost cry out your name. I just won’t be able to call you anymore, and you won’t have to suffer seeing my name on your screen again.

The sadness weighs me down, tires me out, and sometimes I want nothing more than to just forget. But that would be too selfish.

Suicide is just another luxury I cannot afford.

Because there are people who would care, who would hurt, who would never forgive me, and I love them too much to make them cry.

So I might do it methodically, like the answer to a mathematical equation.

Sharp, straight red lines, and when the blood creeps through the gaps,

I’d be filled with a perverted sense of calm. When the pain joins in, my breathing syncs with the ache.

When the scars form, I begin all over again.

Open Letter To Chetan Bhagat

Sir,

I would begin by congratulating you on the release of your latest book “Half Girlfriend” and for the success of the movie 2 States which was an adaptation of your book. But this isn’t the purpose of this post.

I don’t hate you.

I hate your work, and so do many others, because it’s poorly written, unrealistic and is better suited for Bollywood than the written word.

Simple. I also hate the whole cultural phenomenon that it’s spawned with people publishing masala novels written in exaggerated style.

That said, you have been very honest and open about what sort of writer you are, and I respect that.

Man, you have an awful sentence structure and grammar.

I mean, get a proofreader or an editor.

Don’t they provide you with one?

Or maybe you are trying to imitate the vernacular, but it’s a bit hard to buy that when the narrator talks so awkwardly. I think while it’s alright to write a shabby story, it’s not okay to claim to be a published author and have typos in your book. Hire a proper editor, FFS!

Appealing to the majority, though is profitable to the individual, is not his admirable trait, unless we consider the nature of his fame. You could be doing literary whoring for the public better than most people could.
I know. I have read some Indian porn stories with better flow and dare I say, better story lines. This would not make you admirable.
Also, your over-simplified solutions to India’s problems and assuming the mantle of India’s youth icon is what pisses me off.
Given that you know the scenario, an average internet pseudo intellectual might believe that he can write better than you, however he forgets that writing and publishing books is more about Marketing, Credentials, Luck, Story than it’s about Grammar when you want to sell it to Indian youth.
Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage but clamouring the market by your utterly mediocre books which does not give way to writers who might be able to give a new dimension to Indian readers?
You’ve inspired an entire cult of Indie fiction in Indian market which are repetitive, insignificant, sappy and yet, the only thing publishers want to see nowadays.

The art becomes admirable when it is genuine, thought provoking ( not implying preachy) and most of all beautiful.

Your work, as kitschy as it comes, is comparable more to a reality show, or porn for its lethargic nature.

Such art forms although appealing should not be promoted because it is not good for the progress of the society.

Another point that comes up when we debate the value of your literature, is the number of people he had inspired to start reading.

This is a pointless claim.

Let’s say, there are a lot of people who listen to MTV’s pop culture but never make out of it.

It is never to be forgotten that reading good books and not reading in general is considered a good habit.

Hibernate.

Life is a race. If you don’t run fast, you’ll be like a broken anda. ”

I’m sure everyone remembers having a hearty laugh when Boman Irani delivered the above dialogue. But something that not many of us realised at that time was how each one of us was actually applying these lines to our daily lives. Everyday. Everywhere.

We are always so busy chasing something or the other that we often forget to put our heads down for a while and enjoy what we really have.

Why search elsewhere when you yourself have the answers to all your questions?

Sometimes in life, we lose contact with our own selves.

We are so busy trying to be what we want to be that we often forget who we are.

So, once in a while. Let things be the way they are.

Let go of everything. Release all your problems by doing what you love.

Hibernate, to be more precise.

For once, stop worrying, stop thinking and Let it go.
You will come back strong. Refreshed and rejuvenated With a fresh zeal to accept every challenge that comes in your way. Take one thing at a time, and fix it. Things will be wonderful. And after some time if you feel lost again, give yourself some time to adjust with these rapid changes around you.

Pamper yourself. And hibernate, once more.

Smile at every chance you get. Not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have and all the problems you know you don’t have.

ALIVE.

Each moment you’re not fully embracing, your life is wasted and your aliveness is denied.

There are two ways this happens most often:

You’re grasping for something that’s already passed:

Or, you’re waiting for something better in the future:

But grasping at the past is trying to preserve the wind.

Chasing the future is like trying to bottle a mirage.
Both kill the aliveness available to you in this moment.

The aliveness you feel in this moment is vaster, richer and more satisfying than the most deliciously intoxicating dream. But only if you open fully.

Why do we deny the only living thing?
The only living thing right now is the unfolding.

This moment is the unfolding of the story — the labor of your life. Hopefully it’s a labor of love.
Everything else is a ghost. Yes, you can aim to achieve or be something or somewhere greater.

But when you tensely wait to be alive until that something greater is reached, you perpetually cut yourself off from the only living thing — this moment.
Because once you reach that peak, you will inevitably see another, and another.

The waiting never ends.

If you’re not opening fully now, you might as well be asleep.

The Reason We Deny our Aliveness.

Why do we live continually waiting to come alive? Like all animals, we are driven to avoid pain and seek pleasure.
But as humans we have the unique ability of comparing and contrasting. By comparing ourselves to others we can see that something better is out there, or be afraid of something bad that might happen.
So we resist what’s happening now, in favor of preparation or defense. We’re waiting for a myth: The Myth of Perfection.

But life is not perfect.

Nothing is ever perfect in your mind.

The only thing perfect is this moment.

If you’re waiting to live fully because you think that one day you’ll shape the perfect circumstances, you’ll be waiting until you’re dead.

You will never be done. 

“We have a right to our labor, but not to the fruits of our labor.” – Krishna.

The other big trap is waiting to be done. Our productivity-driven culture encourages this search for completion that never arrives.
Inbox Zero? Already slipping away.
A Completed To Do List? Rarely achieved, temporarily inspiring, and short lived.
A Clean House? Not for long.

Clinging to the state of done is a futile, life-killing pursuit.

You will never be done, so stop waiting to fully relax and open to this moment.
Relaxing = Opening to the truth and aliveness of what is. It is immediate.
Waiting = Tension and closure to the aliveness of what is. It never ends.

Stop fucking waiting, before it’s too late

“We are very good at preparing to live, but not very good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and we are willing to work very hard to get a job, a car, a house, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive. Every breath we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity. We need only to be awake, alive in the present moment.”—Thich Nhat Hanh.

Wherever you are, in whatever circumstances you are in, you can embrace them fully and open fully.
This does not mean that you’ll stop wanting to change anything. You will always want to change things and grow. Always. Until you’re dead.

Whether things are total fucking chaos or completely divine, you have one choice:
Fully embrace this moment and your aliveness, or choke it off with your closure. 

The choice is yours.
Resisting never works.

If you’re going to be neurotic about one thing, be neurotic about embracing right now.

I mean, feel into this moment.
PAUSE.

Yes. I said pause.
What a crazy concept in our hyper-productive, constantly-hurried, never-stop, consume-more-energy-drinks-rather-than-resting culture, right?

Pausing does not waste time.
Pausing opens you to the aliveness within your life, within your environment, within your heart.

When you pause and allow yourself to feel, you can open to what actually exists. You can move with it, you can transform it.

Do not wake up on your dying breath realizing that you spent your life waiting. 

“If you are waiting for anything in order to live and love without holding back, then you suffer. Every moment is the most important moment of your life.” —David Deida.

Embracing everything is the path to liberation
Whatever you feel in this moment, feel it fully.
When you feel pain in your body, open to it without resistance.

When you feel pleasure, allow it without grasping.

Whatever you’re experiencing, feel it and say yes to it. That doesn’t mean that you tolerate things you don’t want, or become a victim.
The more you inhabit your body, the more embodied you become. The more embodied you become, the more you are open to the aliveness you experience as a fleshly being.
In your head, you learn. In your body, you live.

Stop waiting.

Start living.

Now.